void of course

the earth will swing us, as she goes

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warning – it’s sappy, read at your own risk:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 26, 2010

good morning, it’s so classy that i still have last night’s eyeliner on…

we’ve already sent a co-worker out for another round of coffee, thank god. i don’t think a few of us could function properly without another infusion of caffeine & our coffee machine is broken (go figure). if the company wants us to be writing orders the right way, we are just gonna have to have someone go out. usually one of us does during breaks anyways.

musings of the day: this weekend was all about my family & friends. my cousin got married saturday, so my sister, her boyfriend & my niece drove to nh blasting old rock & country. met up w/dad & his side, stayed there til 7:30 or so & then drove straight home again. i was so wiped out i passed out by 10 pm, something that rarely happens, & i slept through the night, also something that rarely happens. yesterday i went to breakfast with jenny, walked the dogggg to the park, watched a movie i can’t remember the name to but liked (what the HELL was that movie?), ate fast food (also something that rarely happens) then went to jenny’s for a bonfirrrreeee (awesome). it was so nice to sit & talk to friends, i’d had so little of that in the last few years – thank you to all my friends who stuck around even when i was unable to see you, to hang with you because of my circumstances. you guys are all i have; i won’t be that kind of person again – disappearing act that i am. i am in a place i don’t recognize now, but i like – i want a house, i want a life & i want it for good. i’m tired of constant instability & drama. i want a farmhouse with a big garden & a front porch. i really want a rocking chair. books. love. a kitchen i can bake in. if you were in my life before & are again & can forgive me for what i was, & still like me for what i am, you are meant to be here & i love you for it. i only ask (even though i have no right to ask anything of anyone) that you understand i can’t always say it to your face. but it doesn’t mean it’s not there.


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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 24, 2010

“although that bruja is long dead, i think i finally know what i should have written. twenty-eight years is a long time to think about why i loved you & it’s not for the reasons i first assumed: because you swam in the space below my heart; or because you staunched the youth i was bleeding out daily; or because one day you might take care of me when i couldn’t take care of myself. love is not an equation, as your father once wanted me to believe. it’s not a contract, & it’s not a happy ending. it is the slate under the chalk, & the ground buildings rise from & the oxygen in the air it is the place i come back to, no matter where i’ve been headed. i loved you, bethany, because you were the one relationship i never had to earn.”

what a beautiful day – i’ve already been out for a walk, been out for breakfast. done the crossword, stared out the window, talked to my dad. finished re-reading vanishing acts, which i have to say, is a wonderful book that grabbed me from the start. one of the few jodi picoults i’ve tried so far & one i come back to because it’s about a girl named bethany, born on june 5th. the other coincidences don’t matter anymore because they’re not pertinent. but that doesn’t matter either. island coconut coffee & sunshine on the back porch – sometimes the tiniest things are the best & sometimes they’re all i have, but i think they’re enough.

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happy earth day:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 22, 2010

i think that i shall never see

a billboard, as lovely as a tree

indeed, unless the billboards fall

i’ll never see a tree at all


~ ogden nash

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 20, 2010

from the black phoenix alchemy lab (what i’m wearing today)

A Latin word that means to sigh or draw a deep breath, that also suggests longing, desire, yearning, and a passionate wish. Ylang ylang with white plum, white orchid, jasmine, calla lily and lily of the valley.

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 19, 2010

“sometimes when you look back, you can point to a time when your world shifts & heads in another direction. in lace reading,  this is called the ‘still point.’ eva says it’s the point around which everything pivots & real patterns start to emerge.”

~ the lace reader

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warning – back away slooowlly. & leave the donuts.

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 16, 2010

hooolllyyy hannah.

first of all, there is no coffee big enough. or rather there is, but now i am super jumpy & have to pee every 10 minutes. (what else is new). i left my dog home alone last night for the first time; she seems to be ok but did gak all over the floor. i never can tell if it’s anxiety or something caught in her throat or what that makes her do that. she’s been doing much better now that i put a lid on the garbage can lol. felt bad coming home this morning & then leaving again right after to go to work AND i’ll be out tonight too, but we will spend some time together saturday; maybe we’ll dog-park it.

weird week #2; have had a good time out with friends, but am surprised by the turn things take when you’re not looking. i kind of like that though – i don’t do well with plans; i like when things surprise you or fall into your lap. i mean, i believe in working for things you want out of life, but in this case…it makes life so much more exciting. or surprising, however you want to look at it. now my only issue is whether i can handle all these changes gracefully or whether i’ll stumble around like the ridiculous disaster i am. this is me: i cry at hallmark commericals & yes, i will throw things when i get pissed off. i can turn into a b****  & become disfunctional in 3.5 seconds if i’m too hungry. i am superstitious & believe in fairy tales & love art & music & poetry. i don’t read directions & am incredibly klutzy. i would honestly rather die than throw up. (not kidding) aren’t these the things we’re supposed to love about each other? aren’t our flaws, the parts of us that make up individuals, the best parts?  i love trees & the ocean. i don’t brush my hair. how is it that these things are enough to lower me in someone else’s esteem, but raise me in another’s? 

here’s a hint. when i disappear, i am waiting for someone to find me. but i always was terrible at hide & seek.

* side note: the nefertiti book has turned out well, but not something that shocks me to the core. i liked it, but wouldn’t be likely to pick it up again. we’ll see how the sequel rides…

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 14, 2010

he doesn’t look a thing like jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young;

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hey pretty, don’t you want to take a ride with me?

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 12, 2010

YAY! The Map of True Places will be released May4th, & brunonia barry is going on TOUR!! WHEEEEE!

i wouldn’t be able to make most of those dates but come hell or high water, i will be at one of her book signings to meet her. (hopefully the portsmouth, nh one?) it’s unlikely i’d ever get to meet diana gabaldon, as she doesn’t tour anywhere around here (but having a first-edition signed copy of An Echo in the Bone makes it semi-ok) so i want to meet brunonia barry & get my copy of the Map of True Places signed, since the Lace Reader was a book that means so much to me. i just know this one will be the same.

(my mother worries that i identify too much with characters from books & shut real people out; i suppose that that is a hazard of reading that every good bibliophile faces. i identify with them all…Lexy Ransome…Clare Detamble, Towner Whitney…Claire Fraser…all little parts of me. or i am little parts of them? maybe just another verification that all humans share common bounds. or maybe i just need to re-read Sophie’s World?)

at any rate, i’ve been up late for the last week-ish, so tonight will likely involve nothing more than a dog walk & a movie on the couch. it was awfully hard to get out of bed this morning; i got home around 1 am but then i couldn’t sleep because my brain was whirring around like the buzz from cicadas in the summer. long story short, i think too much & too hard & sometimes maybe see things that aren’t there after all? i know my own mind, but no one can know another’s.

don’t think! just do! 

when the wynd blowethe the blossoms, reach oute one to anothere”

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Gerard Manley Hopkins [1844-1889]

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 11, 2010

margaret, are you grieving over goldengrove unleaving?

leaves, like the things of man, you with your fresh thoughts care for, can you?

ah! as the heart grows older
it will come to such sights colder
by & by, nor spare a sigh
though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
& yet you wíll weep & know why now no matter, child, the name:
sorrow’s springs are the same.
nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
what heart heard of, ghost guessed:
it is the blight man was born for,
it is margaret you mourn for.

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 9, 2010

coffee, the morning news, drizzle outside…here’s to waking up slowly.

here’s some interesting historical facts that happened on april 9th:
9th April 1865 : confederate gen. robert e.lee surrendered his army to union gen. ulysses s. grant at appomattox court house in virginia

9th April 1940 : nazi germany invades neutral norway & denmark, surprising the norwegian, danish & british defenders of the countries&  capturing several strategic points along the coast.

9th April 1947 : a severe tornado hit woodward, oklahoma where 200 residential blocks were completely leveled and nearly 1,000 homes were razed. 107 people were killed in woodward & many more were injured.

9th April 1974 : as oil prices continue to rise major debates are continuing in government over the increased use of Nuclear power for electricity production or increasing the number of coal fired plants with opponents on both sides due to safety and environmental concerns the price of a gallon of gas had changed from 40 cents in 1973 to 55 cents in 1974 an increase of 36% in 12 months

my thoughts are with those involved in the mining collapse in west virigina. hopefully we will make history yet again by finding those who are missing today.

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