void of course

the earth will swing us, as she goes

manners? they don’t mean nothing nothing out here in the black

Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 17, 2010

so much of this last year has been about me, finding myself again. (i don’t think i was too far off the trail; but enough so i could only smell the smoke from the campfire & hear a low buzz of others talking though the trees.) coming back was like bushwhacking. there were times when i thought i would never make it. times when the path was directly in front of me & well-marked. what i thought was merely my dredging through the undergrowth of almost 6 years turned out to be merely life. & here i am – still kicking. it occurred to me yesterday when i saw someone i used to despise with all my heart, despise because of loose morals, because of attitude, because they were someone who was willing to make themselves first when i tried my best to put others before me. it was raining & they were walking. & even though my heart was doing a tap dance in my throat, my first thought was to stop & offer them a ride.

i asked a co-worker if this seemed unreasonable. after all, we were both so far removed from the situation at this point that, truly, what could it have hurt? it was raining. & my co-worker turned & looked at me & said “are you CRAZY? no! you should not have! you are far too nice!”

the variables are numbered; i have no guarantee they would have accepted my offer; perhaps they would have to their own ends, as they had with me before. i’m curious now, if i have missed out on an interesting person, because of a past entanglement. maybe they would have snorted & kept walking, finding my gesture offensive? perhaps i was being too nice after all?

i guess i’ll never know; i did not stop. something stopped me, first, & often enough when i have had a feeling one way or another, i choose to listen & am always glad i did. however, one thing has stuck with me, about this whole thing: my co-worker telling me i was too nice. is that such a terrible thing? if i am still after all this time, trying to put others first & myself second, is that truly so awful? maybe they’ve changed? maybe we’ve all changed & the only thing that hadn’t was my bearing this grudge all this time? it’s obviously time to let it go; i suppose i’m not required to transport the one its directed at around, although i still feel some guilt that i did not ask. maybe because there would have been too many questions involved; maybe because i was afraid to. maybe because i do put myself first after all?

well…it’s going to take longer than a year to figure that one out, i suppose.


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