void of course

the earth will swing us, as she goes

Archive for August, 2010

Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 31, 2010

a new day will dawn for those who stand long & the forests will echo with laughter

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 29, 2010

i was so tired this last week. i was thinking a lot, which leads to thinking a whole lot, which leads to severe busy brain syndrome, or Not Sleeping. & while i was thinking thinking thinking like a merry-go-round on speed, i realized that i was rarely home. always at work, or out with friends. which is not awful, but i like being home. i like my apartment, i like being in it & around my books, & random crafty projects that i start & never finish. i like bumming around on the internet, sitting at the picnic table in my backyard. i love being able to start cooking anytime i want (provided of course i don’t need to make the emergency grocery store run because i’m out of eggs & anything i could possible substitute for them.)

in other words, i tried to stay home this week, or do things only for myself. & it was kinda nice. oh, hey! a good feeling, yikes! i took the dog to mackworth island, & still visited with friends but was pretty much home early or didn’t go out at all. & i feel a lot less stressed & a lot more chill. well…as less stressed as i can get anyway, given the circumstances.

so: experiment # 2 is underway – staying home more. if people want to see me, they’re welcome to come to my place. i do clean it occasionally & even have a couch we can sit on, & dishes to eat off.

so far i’m digging it.

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 26, 2010

i have my books & my poetry to protect me/i am shielded in my armor/hiding in my room safe within my womb/i touch no one & no one touches me/i am a rock, i am an island

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no more zombie movies before bed.

Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 23, 2010

…you are absolutely certain you’re awake & if you look towards the doorway of your bedroom, in the dim light there will be a small girl standing there, waiting to look you in the eye, to leap. you know now, what horror stories mean by the terror in the air being palpable. you can practically reach out & touch your own fear, hovering around in a buzzing cloud. your chest hurts from your heart thudding & at the very moment you’re sure you can’t gasp any more shallowly, that your head is getting lighter all the time from the lack of oxygen, from the waiting, she leaps & oh-my-god,

you wake.

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5 rules for life: (or What I’ve Learned So Far)

Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 22, 2010

always smile with your eyes & not just your teeth. a smile can turn someone’s day around, or warm a heart, but not if it’s not real.

hug your friends & family. if you or they are not huggers & you must shake hands with them, shake hands firmly but kindly  – don’t squeeze them with a death grip; it proves nothing. likewise, do not give “dead hand;” you may as well be telling someone “yes, hi – i’m only shaking your hand because it’s a socially acceptable greeting.”

laugh out loud. let loose & really laugh if something’s funny. don’t be afraid to be loud, snort, hoot, wheeze or cry while laughing; if something’s funny & if you’re holding yourself back by just emitting a chuckle, you’re doing both yourself & everyone else an injustice.

take time to eat. not just the obvious 3 or 5 meals a day, but take time to eat. taste your food. don’t hoover it down like your life depends on immediate ingestion; enjoy it. it’s part of why your body is still alive, working, running. don’t do it the injustice of gulping your meal down quickly.

be silent at some point in your day. sit quietly & simply focus on your breath – in, out, in, out. pick out a sound in the backrgound noise & focus on it alone. raindrops. a bird. the wind in a tree. take 5-10 minutes to just focus your body – we all have a center & need to listen to it intently.

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 19, 2010

n.b.; my subconscious appears to be far less sub than others…huh.

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manners? they don’t mean nothing nothing out here in the black

Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 17, 2010

so much of this last year has been about me, finding myself again. (i don’t think i was too far off the trail; but enough so i could only smell the smoke from the campfire & hear a low buzz of others talking though the trees.) coming back was like bushwhacking. there were times when i thought i would never make it. times when the path was directly in front of me & well-marked. what i thought was merely my dredging through the undergrowth of almost 6 years turned out to be merely life. & here i am – still kicking. it occurred to me yesterday when i saw someone i used to despise with all my heart, despise because of loose morals, because of attitude, because they were someone who was willing to make themselves first when i tried my best to put others before me. it was raining & they were walking. & even though my heart was doing a tap dance in my throat, my first thought was to stop & offer them a ride.

i asked a co-worker if this seemed unreasonable. after all, we were both so far removed from the situation at this point that, truly, what could it have hurt? it was raining. & my co-worker turned & looked at me & said “are you CRAZY? no! you should not have! you are far too nice!”

the variables are numbered; i have no guarantee they would have accepted my offer; perhaps they would have to their own ends, as they had with me before. i’m curious now, if i have missed out on an interesting person, because of a past entanglement. maybe they would have snorted & kept walking, finding my gesture offensive? perhaps i was being too nice after all?

i guess i’ll never know; i did not stop. something stopped me, first, & often enough when i have had a feeling one way or another, i choose to listen & am always glad i did. however, one thing has stuck with me, about this whole thing: my co-worker telling me i was too nice. is that such a terrible thing? if i am still after all this time, trying to put others first & myself second, is that truly so awful? maybe they’ve changed? maybe we’ve all changed & the only thing that hadn’t was my bearing this grudge all this time? it’s obviously time to let it go; i suppose i’m not required to transport the one its directed at around, although i still feel some guilt that i did not ask. maybe because there would have been too many questions involved; maybe because i was afraid to. maybe because i do put myself first after all?

well…it’s going to take longer than a year to figure that one out, i suppose.

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 15, 2010

*notice where you’re connected*

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 13, 2010

i love fall. i love the feel & smell in the air; i love the bustle that comes with the cooler air as people can move more freely in the lower temperatures after hot summers. i love the colors of the leaves & of the autumn decorations. it is only august, but i plan this weekend on rearranging my apartment & decorating. i have the living room semi-planned out in my head; i need to go to target tonight & scope fall-ish stuff. i think i’m going to rearrange the bedroom too a bit but if i’m going to do that, i’m going to need a new desk for my sewing machine, etc. i don’t want to haul that big ol’ thing around with me any more. i am trying to slowly replace my stuff with furniture that i can bring to a house, should i ever get a house. whatever i get should last me, now. but whatever i get, it’s going to be my colors, my red/orange/browns theme that keeps fall in my mind even through the winter & summer. also owls = ) i loooove owls & birds. i can hardly wait for work to be over already so i can get started! ❤

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you recognize that peace of mind does not mean numbness of mind.

Posted by sailorstakewarning on August 11, 2010

i have to be quick because i’m off to work soon; but i was just taking my vitamins (acai, fenugreek, fo-ti & kelp, which invariable gets stuck in my throat – have you ever choked on a seaweed pill? it’s awful, you feel like you’re swishing with the ocean for hours afterward) & it occurred to me that now, at age 29, i have it better than i had previously in all my years (bar a few where i was supremely happy – but those years are gone & while i can remember them fondly they are indeed gone & i can’t make them come back.) i have a nice apartment – albeit, i need to clean it today badly  but it’s still nice, an excellent job, etc etc, i couldn’t even list all the things i am lucky to have. but regardless, the one thing i am happiest of is that i love books & the written word. because of course, that is one of the things that defines me as i am, but also because it means i am constantly learning, always gathering new words, new meanings, new grasps of the english language. with that comes other languages & the roots & origins. once i was at a bookstore & was wandering through the children’s section & overheard a dad tell his small daughter, “ok honey, but you can only pick out ONE book.” this made me soo sad because no matter what monetary state my mother was in (& i’m sure i never knew at the time either) she let us pick any books we wanted. always. we always had more books from book club & the library & book stores than any other kids in the class. when book club got delivered, most kids would have one or two & i’d have a stack. i called my mom & left her a message that say, to say “thanks mom – thanks for always letting us get all the books we wanted because you could have said no, or bought us video games instead or made us go watch tv instead of reading books to us.” & thank you to my dad for reading to us every night when we were little. he has a tape recording somewhere, of him reading to me when i was 1 or 2…

thanks mom & dad. that’s being parents. it made me who i am today & i am glad ❤

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