void of course

the earth will swing us, as she goes

letters to lostloves&goodfriends:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 14, 2010

from 5/12/10

seriously – i need that wingman program – the one that keeps you from sending texts or emails, etc until the next morning if you’re out drinking. i guess my sister got some good ones & a couple other people too. anyways, this morning i was talking to a friend & they asked what kind of person i thought i was – & i have no idea. i mean, i know in general. what i want, what i don’t want. i don’t typically have a general direction or anything; i know what standards i am looking for. but myself, as a person? i’m not sure but i think only one other person out there may know me well enough to predict what i’ll say or how best to describe who i am. what i am like. which makes me sad…i think i am a walking contradiction. totally willing to tell you exactly what i am thinking, or be completely honest at all times, but unwilling to let others get close enough to see me? i’m not even sure how that works lol. i can hear cliff in my head right now – never apologize! except i see people around me living life & having fun & taking chances & i am trapped by my own moral standards & i feel like i should apologize for that. then i feel like i take advantage of my friends because sometimes i’m just better off alone – bad company. & i need to apologize for that too. for being solitary – come on! who feels bad about being solitary? it’s almost like i was raised catholic lol.

i’m going to have to drink peppermint tea all day today; i love coffee but man sometimes after being out late & drinking it just does. not. sit. & i had to take excedrine because my head hurt; & that upsets my stomach too =p. so tea it is.

i’ve got this terrible craving to go camping; i don’t even own a tent anymore, but i seriously would love to go. it’s the whole sitting around a campfire with your friends thing. just talking, everyone having a good time. no demands. i definitely miss that. hell, i’d settle for a fire in the yard. jeezum, i’d be happy with someone wanting to hold my hand…that always makes me think of practical magic, where she says ‘i just want to be seen.’ i’m pretty sure people see me,but only one other person SAW me. & since they’re no longer in my life, i’m invisible again. to myself, as much as others? i’m ok with that, really, but occasionally it can be a bummer. 

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