void of course

the earth will swing us, as she goes

Archive for May, 2010

keep calm & carry on

Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 28, 2010

every once in just a little while, i wish that i could be like other girls where, i could go after the person i want without any hesitation or concern for anyone else involved. maybe i’d have who i wanted now, maybe i’d be happy with another now. except i wouldn’t really be happy, knowing i’d displaced someone purposely & knowing how it feels to be the displaced one, i could never be happy having put someone in that position. the thing is, is in this case, it wasn’t my choice anyways. i’ve adopted a very basic principle in my life: if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. therefore: i finally like someone more than a friend, they chose another – let it go. because if it’s gonna happen, it’ll happen. it just sucks monkeys when you’re always the one who stands around on the outside because everyone’s going after the chicks who don’t care about other people’s feelings. i suppose pursuit of happiness is a right for everyone, but i just can’t pursue someone when it’s going to hurt another. seems silly when i’m constantly getting hurt because of it. but enough of complaining now. i’m just going to take a wee break from FB so i don’t have to watch it – masochism, you know.

work has been exTREMEly slow today; most are on vacation so they could have a 4 day weekend, & vermont was hit with a storm so that there are outages everyone & no new installs are getting done til next week. (oh darn, like i really have any sympathy for that particular state right now) but i am almost done, just another hour…we’re currently discussing the fact that this job literally makes you want to drink. like seriously – i have had so many days here where i leave & have a fireball when i get home, just to keep from stressing over everything i couldn’t do during my shift. also just because. who cares? there’s no one to notice & no one to care. my dog sure doesn’t. so tonight i’ll go home, pick up, walk dog, do laundry, maybe re-watch precious (EXcellent movie) &/or go to bed super early since my neighbors played video games from 10-11 pm with the bass up so loud it made the walls shake & interefered with my TV signal…it’s so nice out though, i really do want to get outside a bit. if only to work off a little bit of steam. i can’t wait for my treadmill to come! yay! then i can go home & run off all the stress of all the things i couldn’t get done for people during the day. have to remember i can’t fix everything! it sure would be nice if i could though…anyways, hello 3 day weekend, it’s nice to see your face finally. i hope you’ll give me some sunshine & even if you don’t, it’s ok too. tomorrow i’ll be out of town all day, right back where i started as a kid, where i learned it’s still cool to be a girl & like to climb trees & how much fun it is to canoe & kayak & to sing even when you can’t. i guess i haven’t changed much since then either ❤

 

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 25, 2010

je suis petite belette de personne.

& sometimes that makes me sad.

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it’s not enough, beta

Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 24, 2010

wow, it’s been a while! helloww, journal. i’ve been so busy & then my DSL went down & so help me god, they’d better be fixing it right now (says the customer service tech anyways) so i can get online. i can’t troll allreipes for new things to cook if i can’t get online!! it’s a good thing i know my favorites by heart so i can just make ’em without worrying about how much baking soda, flour, etc i need.

i spent saturday doing overtime (yippe!!) baking & then at michelle’s BBQ; it was awesome. i looove sitting around a fire just hanging with people. it looked originally like i’d have gotten some more of that this summer but then things seemed to have changed. good thing i know lots of people with fire pits ; )  seriously though, i missed just sitting around & having a drink & laughing over the dumbest things. we’re still hooting about laney going to the neighbors & eating their food, thinking she was at michelle’s. got home late saturday & then went to hang out with jenny & her fam sunday. i owe my dog a really long walk one of these days; i tried to chase her around the backyard this morning to give her some exercise, poor thing. it’s too nice to be cooped up inside but i cetainly wouldn’t leave her tied outside all day & i wouldn’t trust the people in the nighborhood. i don’t really believe in doggy daycare either, but she’s pretty good at just hanging in there until i get home & we can get out a little.

i started taking cayenne pepper this weekend after reading a few articles about it assisting in blood circulation; i can’t tell if it it really works, but i haven’t had cold hands since i started it. i can tell you though, do NOT take cayenne pepper on an empty stomach. holy heartburn up the wazoo. & it is BRUTAL

speaking of nice weather, which i was not, it is beautiful outside – i’m going to have such a hard time concentrating today! i want to be in a field! laying down reading on a blanket, or playing at the beach – somewhere under the sky, soaking up the breeze & sunshine. sitting inside is awful hard =/ so to make myself feel better, i’m reciting shakespeare in my head like vera in Amy Tan’s book Saving Fish From Drowning – when they’re hiking in burma & she conjugates french verbs to take her mind of their predicament. je monte la montagne, nous montons la montagne…

why, get you gone: who is’t that hinders you?

a foolish heart, that i leave here behind…no, i will not trust you, i, nor longer stay in your curst company. your hands than mine are quicker for a fray, my legs are longer though, to run away!

 

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moments before the wind:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 20, 2010

“this much i’m certain of: it doesn’t happen immediately. you’ll finish [the book] and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe a year, maybe even several years. you’ll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. it won’t matter. out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you’ll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. for some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. you’ll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. worse, you’ll realize it’s always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. but you won’t understand why or how. you’ll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place”

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breakfast cookies!

Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 18, 2010

  • 1/2 cup coconut oil, softened
  • 3/4  cup firmly packed brown sugar (splenda if watching sugar levels)
  • 1/2  cup granulated sugar (splenda if watching sugar levels)
  • 2  eggs (or you can replace with about 1 cup applesauce or 1 whole banana, smashed)
  • 1  teaspoon vanilla
  • 1-1/2  cups whole wheat flour
  • 1  teaspoon baking soda
  • 1.5 tsp ground cinnamon
  • .5 tsp cloves
  • .5  tsp salt
  • 3  cups old fashioned oats
  • 1  cup craisins
  • 2 tbsp wheat germ

*honey can be used to replace some of the sugar if need be, & peanut butter can be added as well. drop by golfball-sized blobs on a greased cookie sheet & baked at 350 degrees for about 18-20 minutes or until edges are browned. make sure they’ve got room to spread. these make awesome hiking snacks! most any dried fruit can be used in place of craisins as well. yuummmm!

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 14, 2010

you made me a shadow boxer baby, i wanna be ready for what you do. i’ve been swinging ’round me ’cause i don’t know when you’re gonna make your move

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letters to lostloves&goodfriends:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 14, 2010

from 5/12/10

seriously – i need that wingman program – the one that keeps you from sending texts or emails, etc until the next morning if you’re out drinking. i guess my sister got some good ones & a couple other people too. anyways, this morning i was talking to a friend & they asked what kind of person i thought i was – & i have no idea. i mean, i know in general. what i want, what i don’t want. i don’t typically have a general direction or anything; i know what standards i am looking for. but myself, as a person? i’m not sure but i think only one other person out there may know me well enough to predict what i’ll say or how best to describe who i am. what i am like. which makes me sad…i think i am a walking contradiction. totally willing to tell you exactly what i am thinking, or be completely honest at all times, but unwilling to let others get close enough to see me? i’m not even sure how that works lol. i can hear cliff in my head right now – never apologize! except i see people around me living life & having fun & taking chances & i am trapped by my own moral standards & i feel like i should apologize for that. then i feel like i take advantage of my friends because sometimes i’m just better off alone – bad company. & i need to apologize for that too. for being solitary – come on! who feels bad about being solitary? it’s almost like i was raised catholic lol.

i’m going to have to drink peppermint tea all day today; i love coffee but man sometimes after being out late & drinking it just does. not. sit. & i had to take excedrine because my head hurt; & that upsets my stomach too =p. so tea it is.

i’ve got this terrible craving to go camping; i don’t even own a tent anymore, but i seriously would love to go. it’s the whole sitting around a campfire with your friends thing. just talking, everyone having a good time. no demands. i definitely miss that. hell, i’d settle for a fire in the yard. jeezum, i’d be happy with someone wanting to hold my hand…that always makes me think of practical magic, where she says ‘i just want to be seen.’ i’m pretty sure people see me,but only one other person SAW me. & since they’re no longer in my life, i’m invisible again. to myself, as much as others? i’m ok with that, really, but occasionally it can be a bummer. 

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say hello to all the apples on the ground; they were once in your eyes but you sneezed them out while sleeping

Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 11, 2010

i woke up with deja-vu & the odd feeling you knew what i dreamed last night – is it possible? i doubt it; you’re not that kind of person. or perhaps you are & i just don’t know it. what would life be like if we all knew each other’s dreams? i wonder what you’d say if you could see my dreams?

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 9, 2010

will you turn my mind away from
everything that i haven’t done
hope is falling away from me
hope is falling away from me
let’s go down with the ship
let’s slip into oblivion
let’s go down with the ship
let’s slip into,
let’s slip into the blue

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on May 6, 2010

‘it makes sense that it should hurt in this way that my heart should break, & my hands should shake as if to say: sure it don’t matter except in the most important way as if to say: fly away, sweet bird of prey fly fly away i won’t stand in your way sweet bird, if you knew the words i know that you’d say: fly, fly away. it makes sense that it should feel just this way that you slowly fade & yet still remain as if to say: everything matter in such an invisible way as if to say: it’s ok, fly away’

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