void of course

the earth will swing us, as she goes

Archive for April, 2010

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 29, 2010

hey, hey, get tangled up in me;


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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 27, 2010

sometimes rainy days make me crazy.

sometimes a hot shower can make everything seem a little brighter.

sometimes my heart wants something but i don’t know how to ask, so i tell it to beat a little quieter

sometimes i am afraid i can’t stay here another minute. but where would i go.

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warning – it’s sappy, read at your own risk:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 26, 2010

good morning, it’s so classy that i still have last night’s eyeliner on…

we’ve already sent a co-worker out for another round of coffee, thank god. i don’t think a few of us could function properly without another infusion of caffeine & our coffee machine is broken (go figure). if the company wants us to be writing orders the right way, we are just gonna have to have someone go out. usually one of us does during breaks anyways.

musings of the day: this weekend was all about my family & friends. my cousin got married saturday, so my sister, her boyfriend & my niece drove to nh blasting old rock & country. met up w/dad & his side, stayed there til 7:30 or so & then drove straight home again. i was so wiped out i passed out by 10 pm, something that rarely happens, & i slept through the night, also something that rarely happens. yesterday i went to breakfast with jenny, walked the dogggg to the park, watched a movie i can’t remember the name to but liked (what the HELL was that movie?), ate fast food (also something that rarely happens) then went to jenny’s for a bonfirrrreeee (awesome). it was so nice to sit & talk to friends, i’d had so little of that in the last few years – thank you to all my friends who stuck around even when i was unable to see you, to hang with you because of my circumstances. you guys are all i have; i won’t be that kind of person again – disappearing act that i am. i am in a place i don’t recognize now, but i like – i want a house, i want a life & i want it for good. i’m tired of constant instability & drama. i want a farmhouse with a big garden & a front porch. i really want a rocking chair. books. love. a kitchen i can bake in. if you were in my life before & are again & can forgive me for what i was, & still like me for what i am, you are meant to be here & i love you for it. i only ask (even though i have no right to ask anything of anyone) that you understand i can’t always say it to your face. but it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 24, 2010

“although that bruja is long dead, i think i finally know what i should have written. twenty-eight years is a long time to think about why i loved you & it’s not for the reasons i first assumed: because you swam in the space below my heart; or because you staunched the youth i was bleeding out daily; or because one day you might take care of me when i couldn’t take care of myself. love is not an equation, as your father once wanted me to believe. it’s not a contract, & it’s not a happy ending. it is the slate under the chalk, & the ground buildings rise from & the oxygen in the air it is the place i come back to, no matter where i’ve been headed. i loved you, bethany, because you were the one relationship i never had to earn.”

what a beautiful day – i’ve already been out for a walk, been out for breakfast. done the crossword, stared out the window, talked to my dad. finished re-reading vanishing acts, which i have to say, is a wonderful book that grabbed me from the start. one of the few jodi picoults i’ve tried so far & one i come back to because it’s about a girl named bethany, born on june 5th. the other coincidences don’t matter anymore because they’re not pertinent. but that doesn’t matter either. island coconut coffee & sunshine on the back porch – sometimes the tiniest things are the best & sometimes they’re all i have, but i think they’re enough.

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happy earth day:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 22, 2010

i think that i shall never see

a billboard, as lovely as a tree

indeed, unless the billboards fall

i’ll never see a tree at all


~ ogden nash

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 20, 2010

from the black phoenix alchemy lab (what i’m wearing today)

A Latin word that means to sigh or draw a deep breath, that also suggests longing, desire, yearning, and a passionate wish. Ylang ylang with white plum, white orchid, jasmine, calla lily and lily of the valley.

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 19, 2010

“sometimes when you look back, you can point to a time when your world shifts & heads in another direction. in lace reading,  this is called the ‘still point.’ eva says it’s the point around which everything pivots & real patterns start to emerge.”

~ the lace reader

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a note to a friend:

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 17, 2010

i’m laying in bed right now, because it’s the only warm  place in the whole damn house. i’ve got a cup of coffee & a couple cookies with me; i’m watching a sappy movie & thinking about what i need to do with my day. mornings like this, where i can just lay here & be nobody, are my favorites. i have no one & nowhere to be & i can just lay & listen to the rain. you know how we talked the other night & i said i was afraid i was seeing something that was not there? i don’t even know what i am seeing anymore, but i just heard a line from the movie – “i dont deserve it because i am an unremarkable person.” it makes me wonder how many of us are about who consider ourselves unremarkable. i know you do; but you’re not. i know i do, but i have no idea if i am or not lol. what i do know is that there are many kind people out there who do nice things for people without even knowing just how much they touch others. & that makes them remarkable. karma exists.so i don’t know why i am worrying about things i can’t control; they’re either happen or they won’t. so i’m giving it up, much like catholics ‘offer up’ their sins to god. i’m going to hand this one to the universe. what will be will be. if ceridwen deems it so, i mean. maybe then i’ll start sleeping again & food will taste good – remember when erin fell in love with john, in college, & the poor thing couldn’t eat for over a week? lol. as much as i want to refuse to now, i still believe in fairy tales. i have seen them happen.

it’s laundry time, for me…but remember you can always call, anytime you need anything.

❤ me

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warning – back away slooowlly. & leave the donuts.

Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 16, 2010

hooolllyyy hannah.

first of all, there is no coffee big enough. or rather there is, but now i am super jumpy & have to pee every 10 minutes. (what else is new). i left my dog home alone last night for the first time; she seems to be ok but did gak all over the floor. i never can tell if it’s anxiety or something caught in her throat or what that makes her do that. she’s been doing much better now that i put a lid on the garbage can lol. felt bad coming home this morning & then leaving again right after to go to work AND i’ll be out tonight too, but we will spend some time together saturday; maybe we’ll dog-park it.

weird week #2; have had a good time out with friends, but am surprised by the turn things take when you’re not looking. i kind of like that though – i don’t do well with plans; i like when things surprise you or fall into your lap. i mean, i believe in working for things you want out of life, but in this case…it makes life so much more exciting. or surprising, however you want to look at it. now my only issue is whether i can handle all these changes gracefully or whether i’ll stumble around like the ridiculous disaster i am. this is me: i cry at hallmark commericals & yes, i will throw things when i get pissed off. i can turn into a b****  & become disfunctional in 3.5 seconds if i’m too hungry. i am superstitious & believe in fairy tales & love art & music & poetry. i don’t read directions & am incredibly klutzy. i would honestly rather die than throw up. (not kidding) aren’t these the things we’re supposed to love about each other? aren’t our flaws, the parts of us that make up individuals, the best parts?  i love trees & the ocean. i don’t brush my hair. how is it that these things are enough to lower me in someone else’s esteem, but raise me in another’s? 

here’s a hint. when i disappear, i am waiting for someone to find me. but i always was terrible at hide & seek.

* side note: the nefertiti book has turned out well, but not something that shocks me to the core. i liked it, but wouldn’t be likely to pick it up again. we’ll see how the sequel rides…

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Posted by sailorstakewarning on April 14, 2010

he doesn’t look a thing like jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young;

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